The Rules
The Bed Rules
1) One must never get into the unmade bed. If, for some reason, the bed was not made prior to the time one is ready to sleep, it must be made first (although, as long as the bottom sheet is re-tauted, it may be made without usual care and precision.
2) A made bed includes making sure that the end of the sheet is fully and properly tucked between the mattress and the boxspring. To the best of one's ability, the sheet should remain tucked throughout the sleeping session.
3) The only appropriate time to sleep under the covers is at night (or the end-of-the-waking day).
4) The only appropriate time to sleep ON TOP of the covers is when one is napping. Under NO circumstances may one person sleep on top of the covers while the other is under. I don't care how flipping hot you are.
5) To reiterate: At night, all persons sharing a bed must be underneath the top sheet. It is not appropriate to cover the person next to one with one's surplus of bedclothes if one is hot. If one must sleep under fewer layers, the blankets must be arranged in such a way that they are not piled on one's sleep partner, or in any other way interfere with her comfort.
6) Pillows belong under the head. If it is imperative that one HUG the pillow, be sure that the pillow is on the opposite side of one's sleep partner. Better, hug your sleep partner unless she complains.
7) Snoring is allowed, drooling is not.
8) No street clothes are allowed in the bed. Ever. Certain shorts may be allowed, but only if they are free of hardware (buttons, zippers, belts). With the exception of jewelry, no metal is allowed in the bed. No long pants and absolutely no flannel.
9) No socks in the bed, unless one's sleep partner is also wearing socks. All socks in the bed MUST be clean. One must never wear socks to bed that have been worn with shoes or have been walked in on the hardwood floor.
10) Sleeping temperature must be cool. No heaters allowed in the bedroom. If one is cold, one should sleep under all of the covers, or snuggle firmly with one's sleep partner. One would be surprised how much body heat is generated by 370 lbs of people and animals.
The Rest
1) Unwashed glasses, and other dishes, should be placed left of the sink. Clean ones to the right. If one puts dirty glasses on the right, someone else will assume they are clean, unless otherwise noted.
2) During the winter, unless the temperature becomes extreme, the thermostat is set no higher than 60 degrees. I realize that this means that the downstairs can be a little chilly, but any higher and the bedroom upstairs turns into Death Valley at high noon. (See Bed Rule #10 above). There's blankets and a space heater in the living area. There are also two cats and the sleep partner to generate body heat with.
3) CDs are shelved by artist, when appropriate; DVDs and VHS tapes by title, when space allows. Books may be tossed into bookcases haphazardly.
4) One must not sit on the side of the love seat near the end table, unless your name is on the lease. The exception would be if one were home alone, without the lessee, but one should be ready to reliquish that seat upon the lessee's return.
5) Soy milk is not allowed in the house. If one brings steamed soy milk into the house, one should prepare to be banished.
6) All bread must be stored in the microwave. Neither a bread drawer nor basket are available. Should one leave bread exposed on the counter, expect said bread to be torn apart by one or more felines.
7) All toilet seats and lids should be returned from the upright position after use.
8) The downstairs bathroom door must be shut at all times.
9) Unless you are the lessee, all bowel movements must be taken in the downstairs bathroom.
10) And,. finally, The Ultimate Rule: No puking.